Lyrics
I Roll My Own No. 2 (I'm a Rolling Machine)
The rich get richer and the poor get bitter
It's a curse just to be alive
If we burn enough furniture to live through the winter
I want to have a better place to die
I want a better place to die in a battlefield to fight in
A bigger hole to hide in and commit suicide in
I'd be feeling much better if we all came together
And made the world a better place to die
If Jesus comes back as some do say
I'd ask what do you decide
To die on the cross or by the ultraviolet rays
Which is the better way to die
You can burn your credit cards and not pay your tax
But the mark of the beast is the sign
You're branded at the grocery when you cash personal checks
And stamp your thumbprint on the line
I'm gonna take my tribe outside this system
Head out west and hide
Except for radiation and alien abductions
I hear Nevada is nice
When I'm in the nursing home eating steak with a spoon
And my only visitors are flies
I hope my kids are living on the moon
Assuming it's a better place to die
My name is Seymour Green
I'm an honest business man
I make First Rate Smokes
From a warehouse in my van
I've had some troubles
With the EPA I change my company name
Every other day
I hire out workers
From Kentucky factories
Who spend their days working for
R.J. Reynolds Industries
They find me in the parking lot
When the factory whistle blows
And we roll up all the tobacco
That gets stuck between their toes
Take off your shoes
It's time to go to work
It's 3am and we're Setting up shop
Take off your socks
Start scraping those nails
If the ATF discovers us
It's GPCs from jail
I'm in cahoots with some Canucks
Just above the borderline
They package all my products
With cute logos and designs
I distribute to truck stops
And small town liquor stores
They buy cases of cartons
And call me up for more
Thrifty smokers don't mind
Where their cigarettes are from
All they really want
Is smoke and tar in their lungs
So if you ever buy a pack
Of First Rate Smokes
You know the tar won't kill you
But the smell will make you choke
I've been watching the news
To see what new excuse
They have for young people
Committing violent acts
Now they've hit on the truth
The cause of all the meanness in the youth
And the devil's lawyer
Couldn't even argue the facts
I've got a friend it's such a shame
He spends his time with the video games
Staring at colored glass
All day
And they plant thoughts in his brain
The poor boy has gone half insane
And I aim to make
The perpetrators pay
He spits fire
And he eats the flowers
He kicks the turtles
And he stomps mushrooms
I am gonna sue Mario and his brother Luigi
I'll make those bastards pay for what they've done
My blood curdles when I think of those poor turtles
And the mushrooms who never grew into hallucinogens
Well his room is like a shrine
To his partners in crime
Hints and strategy books pile up
Like the Babylon Tower
He swears on the blood of King Koopa
He'll destroy all those doggone Gumbas
His mind is so strung out
On that flower power
Well there's all kinds of video games
That are leading this world to shame
And I for one I'm not gonna take it
I've got a friend who thinks he's Q-Bert
One gone wild over Frogger
There's one who'll only play Ms. Pacman naked
But I'm mostly concerned about that Italian Plumber
His princess and his good for nothing brother
Their existence in this world
Is a disease
But will I do anything about it
I doubt it
I guess we don't need another war
With the Japanese
The sky turned green as I was counting sheep
Under my sleeping bag about to fall asleep
From the sky flew a ball of light
Gripped with fear I closed my zipper tight
You know I've always been a severe xenophobe
And I saw strange men with instruments aiming to probe
They had big heads and they had big black eyes
They were short and skinny and really funny looking guys
One started through my backpack one picked up my guitar
He strummed a string and jumped into the other ones arms
One found the Old Crow bottle took a sniff but not a drink
Passed it around and they all had a smell of that bottle of stink
This went on for a while till I grabbed the bottle and I guzzled
I must have guzzled a pint and a half or more just to show these
Superior extraterrestrials
We may not have your advance technology
But I do believe I can drink you all under every operating table
From here to the next galaxy
Then I passed it back and they all had a big swallow
They began to dance around and scream and shout and holler
But overall I'd say we had a good time I even played my guitar
Until the campfire died we just laid there staring up at the stars
We laid awhile till they had to stumble on back to their ship
I said "Be careful fellows, have a safe trip"
I watched that craft wobble in the sky as they did go
It's such a strange desert here in Southern New Mexico
Games of Chance
A blind man cheats at cards
He's no remorse and no regard
I pull my pistol but still I cannot advance
No matter where I aim
The laws will hold me in the blame
For shooting from behind in a game of chance
I leave him there this time
To keep my dollar and my dime
Instead I guzzle all the booze I can finance
I feel it in my gullet
Whiskey burning like a bullet
In the balls of cheaters in the games of chance
Some sucker takes a chair
His monkey stands back by the stairs
And jingles coins inside the pockets of his pants
The blind man's busy shuffling
Sucker's pipe is busy puffing
Monkey is staring anxious for the game of chance
Sucker hisses "I'll be damned"
As blind man rakes in the first hand
The monkey's lost the will to keep a steady stance
The blind man shuffles once
The sucker sucks his pipe and grunts
The churchbell is clanging cursing at the game of chance
Blind man ante's up and sits
The sucker sucks his husk and sits
The sun is dying wrecking picnics and romance
The monkey is walking up to me
He's got chaw between his teeth
He says "Churchbells never ring for games of chance"
The sucker throws his ante down
The blind man deals another round
I watched the sucker give his monkey friend a glance
He's squirming like a slug
Among the company of thugs
Who pass the salt around at every given chance
Sucker folds with sweaty palms
A storm is erupting from the calm
The suckers tongue is talking as if in a trance
With eyes like falling stars
The blind man deals out five more cards
The thunders rolling like the dice in games of chance
The sucker looks in terror
Grabs his pistol for the error
All because he holds the same cards in his hands
Two jacks and three of a kind
"Another full house" says the blind
"How lucky can you be in games of chance"
The blind man's awful laugh
Provokes the sucker's awful wrath
I watched the sucker and the monkey both advance
And through that battle cloud
I swear that I could hear the shouts
Of two men hustled by the god of games of chance
The smoke cleared with no sucker
Monkey or blind man at poker
And outside looked like a hurricane had danced
What remained from the attack
Was three sixes and two jacks
The final hand in the final game of chance
There ain't enough drugs in Mexico
To keep me feeling good
If I had a cause worth dying for
You know I surely could
Well I get paid every blue moon
It covers the cost of fame
'Cause every damn dollar I get is spent
To get you to remember my name
When I die I won't be mourned
When I die I won't be missed
Who could say
The day my flame burned out
Who could say If I did exist
Well I can't get a show in this town
You just can't dance to me
That's why God invented DJs and karaoke
Bar owners say "If you got a show in town
I'll come by and hear your set"
I say "Buddy I ain't played anywhere
That's just what the last guy said"
Well you can't make a living at this stuff
You can't die with dignity
The only time you'll see my name in the papers
Is in the obituaries I might get a show in heaven
I might get a show in hell when I retire
But I hear to play in heaven you got to have a harp
And in hell you got to have an amplifier
I been sharpening my forks and poking at your cat
I've been tasting your love letters and throwing up in your hat
I've been hiding in your walls and plotting with your mouse
I am hungry and I'm gonna eat your house
I've been dancing with your shadow all over your bug light
Singing in your sprinkler and building up an appetite
Some houses are made of stone while some are made of brick
But when I'm through with yours
You'd have thought it was built
From used toothpicks
I've seen rats in your kitchen roaches in your sink
You ought to see your kitty crying every time I give a wink
Been making long distance crawls from your bed to your telephone
Watching you undress when you think that you're alone
I've been sleeping with your daughter
Once you've tucked her in at night
When you hear her sobbing I've been screaming
"LET THE BED BUGS BITE"
My father is a watching under me
He's been watching for eternity
And I've done him proud but I'm moving on
Gonna take my chances in the morning sun
And let it shine and shine
Shine on me
Let it shine and shine
Shine on me
I'll let the light shine
Shine on me
Let it shine and shine on me
I climbed my deepest sadness I sank down in my darkest fear
I swam through the abyss and I am standing right here
I took a wandering path around that straight and narrow trail
And I carved my initials in a tree with three nails
Well I showed my scars to a woman on the street
Yeah I swallowed my pride when there was nothing else to eat
I'll shake the hand of a stranger when the morning comes to greet
Oh I'll stand in the dawn and let it be my defeat
Running low on tobacco gotta mow the old woman's yard
Low on tobacco gotta mow the old woman's yard
She's a rich old woman she keeps me coming
She keeps that money flowing keeps working me so hard
Her grass is dead it ain't rained since May
Grass is dead it ain't rained since May
But she wont' give me a raise
Her husband watches from the dried up garden
Husband watches from the dried up garden
Hubby's water hose is broken
Fetch me a glass of water my face is all wet
Bring me a drink of water it's a covered in sweat
She say "You ain't done here yet!"
I was sitting at the bus stop one afternoon
A man was standing there shaped like a balloon
He asked if he could bum a smoke
I said the rolling machine is broke
He looked at me like I was from the moon
He said "You're the strangest man I've known
I don't know anybody who still rolls their own"
I said "Me I roll my own I don't take them
As they come
You can have the others
If you want them
Twenty dollars
On the dozen
And they'll just disappear one by one"
I had a girl once try to redecorate my house
So I had to ask the cat who asked the mouse
If we need a set of doilies here
Some pink white frilly curtains there
And if we should take the trash out
It seems the only way to be king in your home
Is to find a spot and pitch your own
If I am hungry and out on the road
Just give me a single scrambled egg to go
And a cup of boiling water mama
In the name of the Dhali Lama
There ain't no use in packing such a load
You can have your filet mignon
But if I want a fancy beast I'll shoot my own
If I am walking drunk and get hit by a train
Barely kicking and in a good deal of pain
I am hoping you will pull the plug
Before you even hook my up
And maybe just help me on my feet again
And you'll run fetch me a shovel and a stone
For just as in my life in death I'll dig my own
The folks at the bus stop started turning their heads to me
Some took some interest in my philosophy
They'd been scratching fingers at their heads
At the words that I had said
Thinking maybe something to it besides insanity
People are always looking for some way to be free
And freedom can be just a better way to breathe
I Roll My Own No. 2 (I'm a Rolling Machine)
I met a camel his name was Joe
He asked for a cigarette knowing full well that I roll my own
I said "I like drum but I can't get it no more"
Joe said "You don't have to tell me about the politics I know the score"
Joe said "I used to be somebody then they took it away
They said I was a killer but I swear I was framed"
And Joe said "By the way how bout that smoke?
I've been sucking on everybody else's old butts and I'm ready to choke"
The tobacco is low and the filters are gone
And the papers are Wrigley's Spearmint wrappers straight from the floor
I don't need no one nobody needs me
I'm a musician and I work for free
I don't have a diploma I don't have a degree
But I got some Bugler and a rolling machine
I tipped my hat to Joe and Joe tipped his ash
And as he walked away I saw RJ branded on his ass
I hang out at the bus stops and the all night diners
And the winding railroad tracks arguing with interior designers
'Cause that's what real me do that's where real men go
Especially when real men are running low on tobacco
I drink malt liquor and I eat toasted cheese
I float on the credit cards that introduce me to an introductory tease
But I'm going out on the road 'cause the road is where you go
Where you go when you need something that rhymes with freeload
I don't have any reasons I'm running short on my rhymes
But it doesn't matter the world is gonna end New Years Eve 1999
I can blow big bubbles with the best bubblegum
I've got twelve toothpicks between my nail and thumb
I got fifteen pairs of socks in a will
And thirty two feet that won't keep still
God don't care
God lives in a tree
The Devil drives a tractor
The Devil drinks whiskey
And the Devil's got dibs on me
I'm lucky to live in such an elegant shack
I don't worry about burglar attacks
I worry about the kids on Halloween
They think the place is haunted by the ghost of Jim Beam
My letter to Santa came back to my box
Said "Return to sender" and my stamp came off
I went to see the postmaster she was very rude
I spent last Christmas eating cheap dog food
In my house we drink just to stay alive
I sent to Siberia for a mail order bride
She felt right at home she could see her breath
Till her pet polar bear up and froze to death
My old lady makes me wash her feet
When she comes home from work after walking the street
She sells used bibles and spent phone cards
To government officials and closet retards
I was really looking forward to Y2K
It was the biggest disappointment since Arbor Day
I was sitting in my shelter waiting for the end to come
With my cold fusion lights and double barrel shotgun
I got to the open mike poetry nights
And I listen to the witches and the communists recite
I'd invite my friends to share a good time
But they don't like poems if they don't rhyme
I stood like a man with a plum on my thumb
With a belly full of jelly and face full of crumbs
I fast and binge till my spirit is clean
I've got the soul of an automated answering machine
I burn scented candles all afternoon
Then I walk around naked and howl and the moon
I keep the police scanner on
And listen to the neighbors call 911
I watched my shadow twist the ears of my cat
Just before it turned into a vampire bat
I shook my head in fear and disbelief
Then I jumped in my coffin and hid under the sheets
The other day Uncle Sam knocked on my door
He was pointing his finger and let out a roar
He said "I want you to fill out this form"
I reported to the Census I was never born
A gang of bandits struck camp in my yard
I went to greet them with my guitar
They had knives in their teeth and bones in their beards
I tortured them with songs of Britney Spears
I hooked my antennae to the corn silo
The only station I get is static and snow
My friends are jealous with their satellite bowls
Cause I get television from the North Pole
I lost my mind in the grocery store
Sent a tower of tators rolling on the floor
The manager came with a fork and a spade
And took my coupon privileges away
The battleship I drive is really wild
It sounds like the end of the world when I drive
I send tractor trailers to their mommies
I send the payroll to gasoline companies
I spend my nights in the web chatrooms
As a twelve-year-old girl who plays the spoons
I married twenty-seven Canadian guys
I wrecked some homes and ruined some lives
I spent six months in the porcelain tub
I learned how to sing while I rub-a-dub
I looked like I aged a hundred years
I was soft and wrinkly like puppy dog ears
There's a strange old lady I forgot her name
She traded in her broom for a ball and chain
She sings like a lonesome nightingale
That eats dry gravel at every meal
This town I live has all kinds of folks
Who live between poverty and flat broke
I'm living just the other side of nowhere
Kris Kristofferson is my neighbor
I been here and there I seen this and that
I know where I'm going but I forgot where I'm at
I know where I'll be when I come to an end
All the livin' I do is living in sin
It's nighttime now and my eyes are all water
My friends have all moved to where the sun's always shining
I'm watching the weather with the Doppler Radar
There's a storm busting out of every silver lining
By day I work the correction center
Where the men are corrected with poison gas
And by night I clock in on a bender
To forgive myself and forget the past
The strings of my heart are so tight
They'll spare me no suffering tonight
There's a storm blowing slowly come hell or come holy
Just blow me to the morning light
A killer winks behind the eyes of a warden
The chaplain's ace is in the dead man's sleeve
There's a serpent hiding in every saint's garden
Quoting the scriptures behind laurel leaves
Every bad man has friends in low places
Who shroud themselves in a darkness to hide
But some of these dearly departed hard cases
Venge me with friends of the holiest kind
And I'm constantly looking over my shoulder
At well dressed fellows with hidden agendas
I'm the mouse in the meadow rolling the boulders
And crushing the homes of the newly forgiven
Now the sun's rising up and the storm is a passing
A little rain and a little lightning
Outside the window where the thunder was a crashing
In their Sunday best little boys are fighting
Innocence today guilty verdict tomorrow
A civilized world has civilized ways
And every civilized world has a civilized fellow
To keep it all civilized with a lever to raise
As a child I'd lay in the green grass
Green is the color of innocence
And I'd stare at the clouds content and at ease
The future was far in the distance
And the autumn days turned the leaves to brown
Green is the color of innocence
One autumn morn we left town
Green is the color of freedom
I've known begging men on city streets
Yellow is the color of fear
The jingle of the last dime in your pocket
Is a sound only your soul can hear
And the sun won't shine on the soup kitchen line
Yellow is the color of fear
But I was lucky and I found the brick road
Yellow is the color of freedom
A sunset on the water a sunrise in the desert
Red is the color of anger
Another day is gone and another one comes
To greet the weary wanderer
And I've worked my hands till they've bled
Red is the color of anger
The oppressed are told work will make you free
And red is the color of freedom
The street music is in my eyes
Blue is the color of pain
I moved from the ocean to the dry painted desert
Where the sand rarely meets the rain
I could find happiness if I looked close enough
Blue is the color of pain
But my eyes keep looking beyond the horizon
And blue is the color of freedom
The night sky is filled with clouds
Black is the color of death
This mountain of success is cold
I can clearly see my last breath
And the charcoal names are on the rocks
Black is the color of death
They've all left this peak and headed home
Black is the color of freedom
A gang of savage wiener dogs terrorized Lester's home
He wanted them to go away and leave his cats alone
He could barely muster up the courage to go out and fetch his mail
If his cats weren't declawed they could whip those wiener dog tails
One day as Lester was watching the gang a plan entered his mind
He thought he could turn his kitties into super strength felines
He could fashion for them Freddy Krueger gloves with razor nails
And with their might jaws and fearsome claws
They could whip those wiener dog tails
Lester went to his garage
Where his tools have hung for years
He found a broken rake
And a pair of rusty shears
He went to work with a hacksaw
And a file for the lawnmower blade
His kitties watched and wondered
At the awesome tools he made
First was spry young Fluffles
He was eager for his wrath
Lester placed the gloves on Fluffles
And Fluffles he took a bath
He licked his paw and wiped his ear
The blood ran from his brain
They all stood around the brave young soldier
Swearing his death wouldn't be in vain
Next was Madam Meow
She was a proud and noble snuggler
Lester placed the gloves on both her feet
She scratched a hole right in her juggler
They stood around the brave young soldiers
Who gave their lives to freedom from wieners
There was one kitty left
Never was there a kitty meaner
His name was Jack the Bastard
He never sat in Lester's Lap
He lived on the roof and barked at cars
He was never known to nap
His eyes were green but they never blinked
And they glowed in the dark
Jack didn't seem all that concerned
About wiener dogs in the yard
First he looked at Madam Meow
And he looked at foolish Fluffles
He looked at Lester and his tools
Lester knew he was in trouble
He swished his tail and growled a little
Then he leaped like an old bullfrog
He chased Lester into the yard
Where he surrendered to the gang of wiener dogs
Then Jack walked out of the house
Carrying two cats all sliced up
The wiener dogs they bowed their heads
And they cried like pups
Lester wanted to the thank old Jack
For preventing his miserable doom
But Jack he growled and ran to the roof
And howled all night at the moon
When the sun shines on the wrong side of town
The heroes ride their horses in the rain
The horses have no quarrel
Towards villains with no morals
Yet the quiver at the heroes spurs jingling sound
When the sun shines on the wrong side of town
The worms sing softly to the birds
And the women with their bruises
Polish the weapon he uses
'Cause dirt and grim will spread the disease around
When the sun shines on the wrong side of town
My enemies are praised for their crimes
And the judges and the priests
Fall down on their knees
While I lay in my blood on the ground
When the sun shines on the wrong side of town
I wake up with the light in my face
And I look across to the dark
And see children sleeping in the park
I smile while I pull the shade down