Wormwood Lyrics

 

The God Box Wagon

Dot Com Machine

Devil Blues

Oh Woman

Sardine

Skyclad

Family Night

Soap in My Mouth

Confidence Man

Scarecrow

Annie Dhydde

Black Yodel No. 7

Squirm Squirm Squirm

The Panther Song

If I Had My Druthers

They Came In Black

 

1. The God Box Wagon

 

A creep fell asleep underneath a great heap

Of punks and monks and their junk

The bloke awoke to the joke of a kid

Needing kidneys and first rate smokes

The surprise of the sunrise in his eyes

Reminds him of times he was better off blind

Before he roared like a whore

Riding shotgun on the god box wagon

 

The god box wagon ainít going nowhere

The god box wagon ainít going nowhere

If you want to go nowhere

Better find another chauffeur

The god box wagon ainít never goiní there

 

A clown was found where he drowned

So bloated they noted he nearly exploded

The hour was powered by flowers and cowards

With souls full of holes and spirits corroded

I watched the fitness of the mystery mistress

Who cried all night with warm hugs and kisses

Till her half sister kissed her and hitched her

To the wheels of the god box wagon

 

His face was simple with dimples and pimples

But he slept with his boots on the stove

The story that morning said the rain was pouring

And far into nowhere he drove

Then nowhere stopped and he dropped his clock

Standing there was an ox a wagon and a box

So he grabbed the reins in the rain and proclaimed

Iím the god of nowhere and Iím never going home

 

The god box wagon ainít going nowhere

The god box wagon ainít going nowhere

If you want to go nowhere

Better find another chauffeur

The god box wagon ainít never goiní there

The god box wagon doesnít care where your money is

God box wagon doesnít care who your daddy is

All the god box wagon really wants to know

Are you going somewhere

Where you wanna go?

 

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2. Dot Com Machine

 

I turned on the old dot com machine

Found a chat room for horny young teens

Found a little lover she was thirteen

Love blooms on the dot com machine

 

I told her I was a handsome young boy

Born and raised in Southern Illinois

I make good grades Iím on the football team

I poured my heart to the dot com machine

 

She was from Australia and likes porno flicks

All her past boyfriends were arrogant pricks

She was from the outback so calm and serene

She poured her heart to the dot com machine

 

I told her I wanted to meet her somewhere

Iíd fly her out here or Iíd fly out there

She agreed to meet it was like a dream

We poured our hearts to the dot com machine

 

I landed in Melbourne nervous and scared

I wondered what she thought when she saw me there

Fat and bald and far from sixteen

A liar and pervert on the dot com machine

 

I walked around the airport till I felt stood up

Then I saw a sign saying ďSOUTHERN ILLINOIS STUDĒ

There was my lover standing there

Sucking a lollipop and twirling her hair

 

We laughed and we giggled like horny teens will

Then she took me to a motel to give me my fill

She went in the bathroom to fix her hair

She told me not to go anywhere

 

I took off my belt and got my britches undone

From the bathroom came cops and there guns

They put me on the carpet and they put me in the cuffs

They read me my rights and all of that stuff

 

They took me to jail and they took me to court

My name was slandered in all the reports

The thirteen year old I was aiming to pop

A twenty five year old undercover cop

 

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3. Devil Blues

 

Well I got the devil blues

But I ainít as blue as most people

Youíll find the sorry kind

Underneath the church house steeple

I got the devil blues in me

 

Some years ago they tried

To baptize me in the river Ohio

I held that preacher under

His hair turned white

And his heart turned cold

I got the devil blues in me

 

They put me in the youth hospital

Sayiní Iíd seen too much TV

But all the old folks say

I got the devil inside me

Those mean old devil blues in me

 

The door to door preacher came

Trying to sell us the word of God

I said friend I done been sold

Handed him Marquis de Sade

I got the devil blues with me

 

I didnít see TV ten years

They finally said that I was well

They said I got to church

Or else Iíd got to hell

With the devil blues in me

 

Late one Saturday night

Somebody blew up the church

They found me at the library

Dogs and guns led their search

I was doing research on the devil blues

 

They asked me questions till the dawn

Boy did you set off that dynamite

I said sir I did not

I held the flashlight

I got the devil blues in me

 

They said boy who was working with you

I said take a lucky guess

They said that name and shuttered

I smiled and I said yes

I had the devil blues with me

 

 

Thereís a one way road to heaven

It goes through church and Sunday school

I can make joyful noise

On the toilet stool

I got the devil blues in me

 

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4. Oh Woman

 

Youíre a woman thatís what you say

I say you work in mysterious ways

Iím on my knees every other day

Oh Woman

 

I was born with shoes and a long sleeve shirt

Straight into the barn where the hoof prints hurt

But I was twelve years old before I said a dirty word

Oh Woman

 

I drink my coffee straight from the tap

No cream no sugar I take it black

No bread no wine he can have it back

Oh Woman

 

I was dreaming about the time I caught a nasty influenza

My head was hot and melting causing mass hallucinations

There were people on the ceiling screaming ďLead in wrong directionsĒ

Oh Woman

 

Youíre a woman thatís what you say

I say you work in mysterious ways

I scream your name in vain they say

Oh Woman

 

I was born with boots and a half hidden tail

With a sprout of mistletoe peaking through the scales

I was 21 before I spent the Sabbath in jail

Oh Woman

 

I drink my Koolaid down like poison

Raise my glass to all the other children

With his blood weíll meet our mothers in heaven

Oh Woman

 

I was killing every brain cell with a cleaner for the kitchen

In the hopes Iíd be too blind to see the depth of my depression

Somebody saved my life posed as a kitchen cleaner salesman

Oh Woman

 

Youíre a woman thatís what you say

I say you work in mysterious ways

One look at you and Iíve turned gray

Oh Woman

 

I was born with cleats and a pocketknife

I traded my cleats for a secondhand wife

I traded true love for eternal life

Oh Woman

 

I drink my whiskey straight from the source

It blows my brain and it rips my voice

But Iíd drown in that river if I had the choice

Oh Woman

 

I was killing every brain cell with a paper bag addiction

The vapors of adhesion take away my dark condition

I danced across the ceiling without shame or inhibition

Oh Woman

 

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5. Sardine

 

Sardine youíre all that I got

And youíre not very much to look at

Well I see you sitting there

With that glassy stare

So twisted and grimy and crooked

 

Sardine I know you got backbone

You ainít afraid to show me

Oh but I canít find youíre heart

When you fall apart

Are you nothing but skinny and bony

 

Chorus

Oh but you taste so much like a woman

But that just means that you are the real thing

Itís as though you sleep

Where the passion runs deep

And deeper is where the sweetest things cling

 

You sleep so close like flies on paper

With your sisters and your brothers

And I look into your eyes

Like big blackberry pies

And I chew you up just like all the others

 

And my breath will carry you all night

And linger on until tomorrow

Oh until I scrape you out
Of the cracks of my mouth

And hope that youíre children will follow

 

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6. Skyclad

 

I donít want to live in fear of thorns and nails

I want to go skyclad with pagan females

I donít want to be the man on the soapbox

I want to go skyclad on the equinox

 

Chorus

I want to go skyclad

I want to go skyclad

I want to go skyclad with all of you

 

Well you fellas want to lock it up in a cotton prison

Well I had my vision and I made my decision

I donít want to be the fat man in charge

I want to go with the blood ticks out in my yard

 

Cut me up put me in your brewing pot

After I plant my seeds in the lot

 

Give me black rhino powder and horny goat weed

Snake venom possum tail whatever I need

I flick my coon dick toothpick into the leaves

Where the heathen women and me is thick as thieves

 

 

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7. Family Night

 

Well it was family night up at the Johnson place

Where they sit around the table and talk about their day

Itís said to be a common activity

Among todayís tight knit families

Mr. Johnson turned to his eldest son

Curious to find out the work heíd done

And he was proud to tell his old man

About his work as a salesman

Son let me give you some fatherly advice

You gotta be careful around that anhydrous

Well youíre bound to make more than a brain surgeon

Selling crystal meth amphetamines

 

Well itís family night everybody get together

Weíre a family by god birds of a feather

Itís family night weíll make a joyful noise

Mommies and daddies girls and boys

 

Mr. Johnson turned to his only daughter

She turned to her alleged father

Daughter howís the sixth grade treating you

And tell me when is the baby due

Daddy itíll be coming out this fall

I feed him good drugs and alcohol

Little Johnny wonít take me for a wife

ĎCause he wonít drop out though Iím pro-life

 

Mr. Johnson turned to his other son

Who wears black clothes and plays with guns

He didnít want to talk to his dad

Till Mr. Johnson lit the last joint he had

Dad all the kids make fun of me

ĎCause I ainít lost my virginity

Son let me tell you after dinner

Take twenty dollars over to the senior center

 

Daddy where is mommy dearest

Is she not here Ďcause she doesnít love us

No kids your mommaís out working hard

Selling lap dances at a frat boy bar

 

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8. Soap In My Mouth

 

I aim to kill you Jesus

Dead as a doorbell

If you donít die

All the sinners go to hell

Let those who have sinned

Use nails instead of stones

Let those who turn the other cheek

Wear the crown of thorns

 

The jews killed Jesus

Hitler killed the Jews

Peace and love killed the Fascists

Hippies killed the blues

Well Iím going down South

To put soap in my mouth

Iím gonna get baptized

And blow my brains out

 

Carpenters build crosses

Killers start religions

Atheists burn churches

That never have existed

I ate poison

With some older children

And ever since the voices scream

Turn your head and listen

 

Condoms killed the Catholics

Welfare killed control

Education killed the Baptists

By the help of rock and roll

Drugs kill depression

The rehab killed the drugs

Then he good lord killed me

With a forty four slug

 

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9. Confidence Man

 

You got a pretty smile I can smile too

Smile so big my headís in two

You want to be a friend you can be mine

Iíll keep you happy in the sunshine

Take my hand itís warm you can tell

You can feel my heart itís hotter than hell

ĎCause I been there and I can take you too

I can make all your bad dreams come true

 

I like small towns and the people there

Easier money than welfare

What does it take to get a handout

A sucker to trust you without a doubt

But they need me and I need them

Weíre all red blooded hard working men

Good or bad where do I stand

Between the devil and the dollar is a confidence man

 

Itís a confidence game Iím a confidence man

Sure Iíll win sure as I stand

Genuine I am honest I ainít

Stab you in the back smiling like a saint

Confidence man in a confidence game

Iíll leave you with nothing but your shame

Your momma warned about a confidence game

But sheís been taken in just the same

By a confidence man

 

When the market dies like it always does

Everybodyís pockets are lighter than they was

Everybodyís mad everybodyĎs pissed

Canít believe they were taken by a scam like this

Still they canít even understand

How they got swindled by an ordinary man

Then they realize thatís why I came

To make them all losers in a confidence game

 

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10. Scarecrow

 

Scarecrow stood like Jesus Christ

While the rain came down as ice

And froze his face into a twisted smile

Black crow perched atop the barn

Shaking trying to keep warm

Watching Mr. Scarecrow all the while

 

Black Crow knows that scarecrow dying

His face is solid frozen

And heíll be too if he cannot get warmer

Before this mighty mean ice storm

Scarecrow kept this wealthy farm

The pride of Mr. Jebediah Farmer

 

Now Jebediahs gone away

Because the bills could not get paid

He flew away on bullet bound for Jesus

But still the icy rain comes down

Before long Scarecrowís gonna drown

Unless the wind first tears him into pieces

 

Black Crow stands on solid steal

Looking for a solid meal

Scarecrowís smiling saying ďCome and get someĒ

I have nothing to defend

And I will never live again

Everythingís been pissed away to heaven

 

Scarecrow thought of Farmer Jeb

And the bullet he put in his head

All because he could never live a poor man

Now Scarecrowís feeling awful cold

Half as proud and twice as bold

And curses Jeb as not worth a good goddamn

 

ďFind a man so rich with power

But underneath is such a coward

To take his life but leave his only begotten scarecrow

He left me here to shoo the crows

From all the crops that are long since froze

An ornament among the ice and snowĒ

 

Black crow listens from the barn

To his old enemy of the farm

Cause sometimes you just need someone to listen

Then he flies closer to his foe

 

 

Who keeps the food from the hungry crows

Knowing there is no more food it is all frozen

Black Crow sees the scarecrows smile

Shocked at his irreverent style

Because scarecrows are so often stern and callous

Black crow says to his old enemy

ďDo you have any thing for me?

Your smile makes a starving bird so jealousĒ

 

Scarecrow says ďThe game is done

I guess you could say that you won

But soon you may follow me to heaven

Black Crow says ďMy dear old foe

That kingdom is far too cold

I was cast out once and I do not want back inĒ

 

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11. Annie Dhydde

 

She refused an epidural

Hoping for a girl

Doctor looked into her big blue eyes

She said doc howíd I do

Doc didnít say coochi coo

He said maíam you done birthed the antichrist

 

Screaming and a-cussing from that hospital bed

She should have watched the words she said

She screamed Goddammit

Lord Goddammit

She screamed Goddammit

Annie did

 

That little boy was really bad

Baddest boy she ever had

On account of him being the antichrist and all

He about drove her up the wall

She drove out to the mall

And to Walgreens where she bought Tylenol

 

Screaming and a-cussing from that hospital bed

She should have watched the words she said

She screamed Goddammit

Lord Goddammit

She screamed Goddammit

And he did

 

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12. Black Yodel No. 7

 

An angel road the bus home

I believed her wings were broken

She asked me the time of day

I asked if she was joking

She smiled like a woman

And her tricks were turning

I smiled like a baby

And felt my body burning

 

She said how are you

Not expecting me to answer

I said fairly well

Doctors say I killed the cancer

Itís going out of style

She inquired about the flavor

I said it wasnít mine

It was in my next door neighbor

 

I scratched my big red nose

As the wind blew through my beard

If I shave too often

My face looks really weird

She pulled out her bandana

It wasnít dirty or red

Even though inside held

A severed shrunken head

 

I stared like a creep

Into those tiny eyes

And then one winked at me

As they other began to cry

She started laughing

And tickling its chin

Like it was a baby

Or newborn kitten

 

I pulled out my cell phone

It melted in my hand

She pulled out a bottle

And fed the little man

I dinged the dinger

The bus came to a stop

She said thank you sir

This is where I get off

 

 

I swallowed my vomit

So casual and discreet

But the taste of eggs and koolaid

Sent it splattered on my feet

I pulled out my tic tacs

The driver hit the breaks

I ran for the exit

I didnít say thanks

 

I wanted to sneeze

Then I wanted to shave

I wanted to steal her head

And put him in a grave

Iím glad her wings are broken

I hope they turn to dust

I gonna learn to drive

And never ride the bus

 

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13. Squirm Squirm Squirm

 

Squirm Squirm Squirm

Little worm worm worm

Little worm is gonna squirm

Until it learns learns learns

Thereís germs germs germs

In the ferns ferns ferns

If you have concerns

You wonít return turn turn

 

Squirm Squirm Squirm

Little worm worm worm

Little worm is gonna squirm

Until it burns burns burns

Then its churn churn churn

Ashes turn turn turn

Place them atop a mantle in an

Urn Urn Urn

 

Squish Squish Squish

Little fish fish fish

You cuss and you fight

And you twitch twitch twich

Eat you fresh fresh fresh

Inside a dish dish dish

I canít grant little fish

His last wish wish wish

 

Squish Squish Squish

Little fish fish fish

Little fish is gonna squish

With sweet relish lish lish

Delish lish lish

On a sandwich wich wich

Fit for a king or

Son of a bitch bitch birch

 

Twirl twirl twirl

Little girl girl girl

Twirl all around

Till you hurl hurl hurl

Swirl swirl swirl

Like a squirrel squirrel squirrel

Swing around let your freak flag

Unfurl furl furl

 

Twirl twirl twirl

Little girl girl girl

Twirl your twirly hair

Into curls curls curls

Let it whirl whirl whirl

Down your apparel parel parel

Let it twirl and unfurl

Across the world world world

 

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14. The Panther Song

 

Little boys little girls listen to my song

It may help your lives to be long

Your mommies and daddies may disagree

And say the only monsters are folks like me

 

Theyíll say there ainít no reason to fear

We ainít got no panthers around here

 

Donít go into the woods alone

Youíre gonna wish youíd stayed at home

Youíll hear the birds and crickets stop chirpiní

In the darkness youíll see something lurkiní

 

The sound of itís cry will make you sick

Make the hair stand up on the back of your neck

Youíre gonna know just what I mean

When you hear that high pitched scream

 

Your flashlight may catch eyes of green

A sight youíll wish youíd never seen

Heíll be prowling youíll be praying

Youíll see Jesus heíll be saying

 

Thatís when youíre gonna start to run

Wish youíd grabbed daddyís shotgun

But you ainít even got a pocket knife

Hope youíve enjoyed your short life

 

Theyíll find your body days later

Be a manhunt for a child killer

Who slices throats and gouges eyes

Prefers victims of a smaller size

 

So enjoy your childhood have a ball

Tomorrow may not come at all

But if you become panther prey

Youíll wish youíd died yesterday

 

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15. If I Had My Druthers

 

Donít you go motherfuckering me boys

Donít you go motherfuckering me

Donít you go motherfuckering me boys

Donít you go motherfuckering me

Well Iíll tell you my brother

And all of you others

If I had my druthers

Iíd be cocksuckered

Donít you go motherfuckering me boys

Donít you go motherfuckering me

 

Iíll be strangled and stripped

Iíll be wet noodle whipped

Donít you go motherfuckering me

Iíll be chained to the wall

And kicked in the balls

Donít you go motherfuckering me

Iíll be smeared on the ass

With broken glass

Iíll be reamed in the rear

By a kosher spear

Donít you go motherfuckering me boys

Donít you go motherfuckering me

 

Iíll be plugged by a slug

With a date rape drug

Donít you go motherfuckering me

Iíll be wined and dined

By a sad porcupine

Donít you go motherfuckering me

Iíll be seduced by a moose

Whose reputation is loose

Iíll hold the load

Of a horny toad

Donít you go motherfuckering me boys

Donít you go motherfuckering me

 

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16. They Came In Black

 

Well it rained so hard hell didnít seem bad

Someone prayed for his sins

The preacher cried more than the poor boys dad

They put his body in

 

Well they came in black and they dug him a hole

Someone prayed for his sins

The rain did pour and they cried a little more

They put his body in

 

The band played songs faster than they should

Someone prayed for his sins

Thatís why those songs never sounded so good

They put his body in

 

He used to buy me soda pop when I was young

Someone prayed for his sins

Then he bought me a beer when I turned twenty one

They put his body in

 

The worms have had their way by now

Someone prayed for his sins

I want to give him a hug but I donít know how

They put his body in

 

Itís a beautiful world itís a beautiful day

Someone prayed for his sins

Those are the words written on the grave

They put his body in

 

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