A Better Place To Die

First Rate Smokes

Italian Plumber Lawsuit

Strange Desert 1947

Games of Chance


Termite Song

Vampire Suicide

Mow the Old Woman's Yard

I Roll My Own

I Roll My Own No. 2 (I'm a Rolling Machine)

Devil's Got Dibs on Me

Storm Blowing Slowly

Color of Freedom

Savage Wiener Dogs

Wrong Side of Town


Better Place To Die


The rich get richer and the poor get bitter

It's a curse just to be alive

If we burn enough furniture to live through the winter

I want to have a better place to die

I want a better place to die in a battlefield to fight in

A bigger hole to hide in and commit suicide in

I'd be feeling much better if we all came together

And made the world a better place to die

If Jesus comes back as some do say

I'd ask what do you decide

To die on the cross or by the ultraviolet rays

Which is the better way to die

You can burn your credit cards and not pay your tax

But the mark of the beast is the sign

You're branded at the grocery when you cash personal checks

And stamp your thumbprint on the line

I'm gonna take my tribe outside this system

Head out west and hide

Except for radiation and alien abductions

I hear Nevada is nice

When I'm in the nursing home eating steak with a spoon

And my only visitors are flies

I hope my kids are living on the moon

Assuming it's a better place to die


First Rate Smokes

My name is Seymour Green

I'm an honest business man

I make First Rate Smokes

From a warehouse in my van

I've had some troubles

With the EPA I change my company name

Every other day

I hire out workers

From Kentucky factories

Who spend their days working for

R.J. Reynolds Industries

They find me in the parking lot

When the factory whistle blows

And we roll up all the tobacco

That gets stuck between their toes

Take off your shoes

It's time to go to work

It's 3am and we're Setting up shop

Take off your socks

Start scraping those nails

If the ATF discovers us

It's GPCs from jail

I'm in cahoots with some Canucks

Just above the borderline

They package all my products

With cute logos and designs

I distribute to truck stops

And small town liquor stores

They buy cases of cartons

And call me up for more

Thrifty smokers don't mind

Where their cigarettes are from

All they really want

Is smoke and tar in their lungs

So if you ever buy a pack

Of First Rate Smokes

You know the tar won't kill you

But the smell will make you choke


The Italian Plumber Lawsuit

I've been watching the news

To see what new excuse

They have for young people

Committing violent acts

Now they've hit on the truth

The cause of all the meanness in the youth

And the devil's lawyer

Couldn't even argue the facts

I've got a friend it's such a shame

He spends his time with the video games

Staring at colored glass

All day

And they plant thoughts in his brain

The poor boy has gone half insane

And I aim to make

The perpetrators pay

He spits fire

And he eats the flowers

He kicks the turtles

And he stomps mushrooms

I am gonna sue Mario and his brother Luigi

I'll make those bastards pay for what they've done

My blood curdles when I think of those poor turtles

And the mushrooms who never grew into hallucinogens

Well his room is like a shrine

To his partners in crime

Hints and strategy books pile up

Like the Babylon Tower

He swears on the blood of King Koopa

He'll destroy all those doggone Gumbas

His mind is so strung out

On that flower power

Well there's all kinds of video games

That are leading this world to shame

And I for one I'm not gonna take it

I've got a friend who thinks he's Q-Bert

One gone wild over Frogger

There's one who'll only play Ms. Pacman naked

But I'm mostly concerned about that Italian Plumber

His princess and his good for nothing brother

Their existence in this world

Is a disease

But will I do anything about it

I doubt it

I guess we don't need another war

With the Japanese


Strange Desert 1947


The sky turned green as I was counting sheep

Under my sleeping bag about to fall asleep

From the sky flew a ball of light

Gripped with fear I closed my zipper tight

You know I've always been a severe xenophobe

And I saw strange men with instruments aiming to probe

They had big heads and they had big black eyes

They were short and skinny and really funny looking guys

One started through my backpack one picked up my guitar

He strummed a string and jumped into the other ones arms

One found the Old Crow bottle took a sniff but not a drink

Passed it around and they all had a smell of that bottle of stink

This went on for a while till I grabbed the bottle and I guzzled

I must have guzzled a pint and a half or more just to show these

Superior extraterrestrials

We may not have your advance technology

But I do believe I can drink you all under every operating table

From here to the next galaxy

Then I passed it back and they all had a big swallow

They began to dance around and scream and shout and holler

But overall I'd say we had a good time I even played my guitar

Until the campfire died we just laid there staring up at the stars

We laid awhile till they had to stumble on back to their ship

I said "Be careful fellows, have a safe trip"

I watched that craft wobble in the sky as they did go

It's such a strange desert here in Southern New Mexico


Games of Chance


A blind man cheats at cards

He's no remorse and no regard

I pull my pistol but still I cannot advance

No matter where I aim

The laws will hold me in the blame

For shooting from behind in a game of chance

I leave him there this time

To keep my dollar and my dime

Instead I guzzle all the booze I can finance

I feel it in my gullet

Whiskey burning like a bullet

In the balls of cheaters in the games of chance

Some sucker takes a chair

His monkey stands back by the stairs

And jingles coins inside the pockets of his pants

The blind man's busy shuffling

Sucker's pipe is busy puffing

Monkey is staring anxious for the game of chance

Sucker hisses "I'll be damned"

As blind man rakes in the first hand

The monkey's lost the will to keep a steady stance

The blind man shuffles once

The sucker sucks his pipe and grunts

The churchbell is clanging cursing at the game of chance

Blind man ante's up and sits

The sucker sucks his husk and sits

The sun is dying wrecking picnics and romance

The monkey is walking up to me

He's got chaw between his teeth

He says "Churchbells never ring for games of chance"

The sucker throws his ante down

The blind man deals another round

I watched the sucker give his monkey friend a glance

He's squirming like a slug

Among the company of thugs

Who pass the salt around at every given chance

Sucker folds with sweaty palms

A storm is erupting from the calm

The suckers tongue is talking as if in a trance

With eyes like falling stars

The blind man deals out five more cards

The thunders rolling like the dice in games of chance

The sucker looks in terror

Grabs his pistol for the error

All because he holds the same cards in his hands

Two jacks and three of a kind

"Another full house" says the blind

"How lucky can you be in games of chance"

The blind man's awful laugh

Provokes the sucker's awful wrath

I watched the sucker and the monkey both advance

And through that battle cloud

I swear that I could hear the shouts

Of two men hustled by the god of games of chance

The smoke cleared with no sucker

Monkey or blind man at poker

And outside looked like a hurricane had danced

What remained from the attack

Was three sixes and two jacks

The final hand in the final game of chance




There ain't enough drugs in Mexico

To keep me feeling good

If I had a cause worth dying for

You know I surely could

Well I get paid every blue moon

It covers the cost of fame

'Cause every damn dollar I get is spent

To get you to remember my name

When I die I won't be mourned

When I die I won't be missed

Who could say

The day my flame burned out

Who could say If I did exist

Well I can't get a show in this town

You just can't dance to me

That's why God invented DJs and karaoke

Bar owners say "If you got a show in town

I'll come by and hear your set"

I say "Buddy I ain't played anywhere

That's just what the last guy said"

Well you can't make a living at this stuff

You can't die with dignity

The only time you'll see my name in the papers

Is in the obituaries I might get a show in heaven

I might get a show in hell when I retire

But I hear to play in heaven you got to have a harp

And in hell you got to have an amplifier


Termite Song


I been sharpening my forks and poking at your cat

I've been tasting your love letters and throwing up in your hat

I've been hiding in your walls and plotting with your mouse

I am hungry and I'm gonna eat your house

I've been dancing with your shadow all over your bug light

Singing in your sprinkler and building up an appetite

Some houses are made of stone while some are made of brick

But when I'm through with yours

You'd have thought it was built

From used toothpicks

I've seen rats in your kitchen roaches in your sink

You ought to see your kitty crying every time I give a wink

Been making long distance crawls from your bed to your telephone

Watching you undress when you think that you're alone

I've been sleeping with your daughter

Once you've tucked her in at night

When you hear her sobbing I've been screaming



Vampire Suicide


My father is a watching under me

He's been watching for eternity

And I've done him proud but I'm moving on

Gonna take my chances in the morning sun

And let it shine and shine

Shine on me

Let it shine and shine

Shine on me

I'll let the light shine

Shine on me

Let it shine and shine on me

I climbed my deepest sadness I sank down in my darkest fear

I swam through the abyss and I am standing right here

I took a wandering path around that straight and narrow trail

And I carved my initials in a tree with three nails

Well I showed my scars to a woman on the street

Yeah I swallowed my pride when there was nothing else to eat

I'll shake the hand of a stranger when the morning comes to greet

Oh I'll stand in the dawn and let it be my defeat


Mow the Old Woman's Yard


Running low on tobacco gotta mow the old woman's yard

Low on tobacco gotta mow the old woman's yard

She's a rich old woman she keeps me coming

She keeps that money flowing keeps working me so hard

Her grass is dead it ain't rained since May

Grass is dead it ain't rained since May

But she wont' give me a raise

Her husband watches from the dried up garden

Husband watches from the dried up garden

Hubby's water hose is broken

Fetch me a glass of water my face is all wet

Bring me a drink of water it's a covered in sweat

She say "You ain't done here yet!"


I Roll My Own No. 1


I was sitting at the bus stop one afternoon

A man was standing there shaped like a balloon

He asked if he could bum a smoke

I said the rolling machine is broke

He looked at me like I was from the moon

He said "You're the strangest man I've known

I don't know anybody who still rolls their own"

I said "Me I roll my own I don't take them

As they come

You can have the others

If you want them

Twenty dollars

On the dozen

And they'll just disappear one by one"

I had a girl once try to redecorate my house

So I had to ask the cat who asked the mouse

If we need a set of doilies here

Some pink white frilly curtains there

And if we should take the trash out

It seems the only way to be king in your home

Is to find a spot and pitch your own

If I am hungry and out on the road

Just give me a single scrambled egg to go

And a cup of boiling water mama

In the name of the Dhali Lama

There ain't no use in packing such a load

You can have your filet mignon

But if I want a fancy beast I'll shoot my own

If I am walking drunk and get hit by a train

Barely kicking and in a good deal of pain

I am hoping you will pull the plug

Before you even hook my up

And maybe just help me on my feet again

And you'll run fetch me a shovel and a stone

For just as in my life in death I'll dig my own

The folks at the bus stop started turning their heads to me

Some took some interest in my philosophy

They'd been scratching fingers at their heads

At the words that I had said

Thinking maybe something to it besides insanity

People are always looking for some way to be free

And freedom can be just a better way to breathe


I Roll My Own No. 2 (I'm a Rolling Machine)


I met a camel his name was Joe

He asked for a cigarette knowing full well that I roll my own

I said "I like drum but I can't get it no more"

Joe said "You don't have to tell me about the politics I know the score"

Joe said "I used to be somebody then they took it away

They said I was a killer but I swear I was framed"

And Joe said "By the way how bout that smoke?

I've been sucking on everybody else's old butts and I'm ready to choke"

The tobacco is low and the filters are gone

And the papers are Wrigley's Spearmint wrappers straight from the floor

I don't need no one nobody needs me

I'm a musician and I work for free

I don't have a diploma I don't have a degree

But I got some Bugler and a rolling machine

I tipped my hat to Joe and Joe tipped his ash

And as he walked away I saw RJ branded on his ass

I hang out at the bus stops and the all night diners

And the winding railroad tracks arguing with interior designers

'Cause that's what real me do that's where real men go

Especially when real men are running low on tobacco

I drink malt liquor and I eat toasted cheese

I float on the credit cards that introduce me to an introductory tease

But I'm going out on the road 'cause the road is where you go

Where you go when you need something that rhymes with freeload

I don't have any reasons I'm running short on my rhymes

But it doesn't matter the world is gonna end New Years Eve 1999


Devil's Got Dibs On Me


I can blow big bubbles with the best bubblegum

I've got twelve toothpicks between my nail and thumb

I got fifteen pairs of socks in a will

And thirty two feet that won't keep still

God don't care

God lives in a tree

The Devil drives a tractor

The Devil drinks whiskey

And the Devil's got dibs on me

I'm lucky to live in such an elegant shack

I don't worry about burglar attacks

I worry about the kids on Halloween

They think the place is haunted by the ghost of Jim Beam

My letter to Santa came back to my box

Said "Return to sender" and my stamp came off

I went to see the postmaster she was very rude

I spent last Christmas eating cheap dog food

In my house we drink just to stay alive

I sent to Siberia for a mail order bride

She felt right at home she could see her breath

Till her pet polar bear up and froze to death

My old lady makes me wash her feet

When she comes home from work after walking the street

She sells used bibles and spent phone cards

To government officials and closet retards

I was really looking forward to Y2K

It was the biggest disappointment since Arbor Day

I was sitting in my shelter waiting for the end to come

With my cold fusion lights and double barrel shotgun

I got to the open mike poetry nights

And I listen to the witches and the communists recite

I'd invite my friends to share a good time

But they don't like poems if they don't rhyme

I stood like a man with a plum on my thumb

With a belly full of jelly and face full of crumbs

I fast and binge till my spirit is clean

I've got the soul of an automated answering machine

I burn scented candles all afternoon

Then I walk around naked and howl and the moon

I keep the police scanner on

And listen to the neighbors call 911

I watched my shadow twist the ears of my cat

Just before it turned into a vampire bat

I shook my head in fear and disbelief

Then I jumped in my coffin and hid under the sheets

The other day Uncle Sam knocked on my door

He was pointing his finger and let out a roar

He said "I want you to fill out this form"

I reported to the Census I was never born

A gang of bandits struck camp in my yard

I went to greet them with my guitar

They had knives in their teeth and bones in their beards

I tortured them with songs of Britney Spears

I hooked my antennae to the corn silo

The only station I get is static and snow

My friends are jealous with their satellite bowls

Cause I get television from the North Pole

I lost my mind in the grocery store

Sent a tower of tators rolling on the floor

The manager came with a fork and a spade

And took my coupon privileges away

The battleship I drive is really wild

It sounds like the end of the world when I drive

I send tractor trailers to their mommies

I send the payroll to gasoline companies

I spend my nights in the web chatrooms

As a twelve-year-old girl who plays the spoons

I married twenty-seven Canadian guys

I wrecked some homes and ruined some lives

I spent six months in the porcelain tub

I learned how to sing while I rub-a-dub

I looked like I aged a hundred years

I was soft and wrinkly like puppy dog ears

There's a strange old lady I forgot her name

She traded in her broom for a ball and chain

She sings like a lonesome nightingale

That eats dry gravel at every meal

This town I live has all kinds of folks

Who live between poverty and flat broke

I'm living just the other side of nowhere

Kris Kristofferson is my neighbor

I been here and there I seen this and that

I know where I'm going but I forgot where I'm at

I know where I'll be when I come to an end

All the livin' I do is living in sin


Storm Blowing Slowly


It's nighttime now and my eyes are all water

My friends have all moved to where the sun's always shining

I'm watching the weather with the Doppler Radar

There's a storm busting out of every silver lining

By day I work the correction center

Where the men are corrected with poison gas

And by night I clock in on a bender

To forgive myself and forget the past

The strings of my heart are so tight

They'll spare me no suffering tonight

There's a storm blowing slowly come hell or come holy

Just blow me to the morning light

A killer winks behind the eyes of a warden

The chaplain's ace is in the dead man's sleeve

There's a serpent hiding in every saint's garden

Quoting the scriptures behind laurel leaves

Every bad man has friends in low places

Who shroud themselves in a darkness to hide

But some of these dearly departed hard cases

Venge me with friends of the holiest kind

And I'm constantly looking over my shoulder

At well dressed fellows with hidden agendas

I'm the mouse in the meadow rolling the boulders

And crushing the homes of the newly forgiven

Now the sun's rising up and the storm is a passing

A little rain and a little lightning

Outside the window where the thunder was a crashing

In their Sunday best little boys are fighting

Innocence today guilty verdict tomorrow

A civilized world has civilized ways

And every civilized world has a civilized fellow

To keep it all civilized with a lever to raise


Color of Freedom


As a child I'd lay in the green grass

Green is the color of innocence

And I'd stare at the clouds content and at ease

The future was far in the distance

And the autumn days turned the leaves to brown

Green is the color of innocence

One autumn morn we left town

Green is the color of freedom

I've known begging men on city streets

Yellow is the color of fear

The jingle of the last dime in your pocket

Is a sound only your soul can hear

And the sun won't shine on the soup kitchen line

Yellow is the color of fear

But I was lucky and I found the brick road

Yellow is the color of freedom

A sunset on the water a sunrise in the desert

Red is the color of anger

Another day is gone and another one comes

To greet the weary wanderer

And I've worked my hands till they've bled

Red is the color of anger

The oppressed are told work will make you free

And red is the color of freedom

The street music is in my eyes

Blue is the color of pain

I moved from the ocean to the dry painted desert

Where the sand rarely meets the rain

I could find happiness if I looked close enough

Blue is the color of pain

But my eyes keep looking beyond the horizon

And blue is the color of freedom

The night sky is filled with clouds

Black is the color of death

This mountain of success is cold

I can clearly see my last breath

And the charcoal names are on the rocks

Black is the color of death

They've all left this peak and headed home

Black is the color of freedom


Savage Wiener Dogs


A gang of savage wiener dogs terrorized Lester's home

He wanted them to go away and leave his cats alone

He could barely muster up the courage to go out and fetch his mail

If his cats weren't declawed they could whip those wiener dog tails

One day as Lester was watching the gang a plan entered his mind

He thought he could turn his kitties into super strength felines

He could fashion for them Freddy Krueger gloves with razor nails

And with their might jaws and fearsome claws

They could whip those wiener dog tails

Lester went to his garage

Where his tools have hung for years

He found a broken rake

And a pair of rusty shears

He went to work with a hacksaw

And a file for the lawnmower blade

His kitties watched and wondered

At the awesome tools he made

First was spry young Fluffles

He was eager for his wrath

Lester placed the gloves on Fluffles

And Fluffles he took a bath

He licked his paw and wiped his ear

The blood ran from his brain

They all stood around the brave young soldier

Swearing his death wouldn't be in vain

Next was Madam Meow

She was a proud and noble snuggler

Lester placed the gloves on both her feet

She scratched a hole right in her juggler

They stood around the brave young soldiers

Who gave their lives to freedom from wieners

There was one kitty left

Never was there a kitty meaner

His name was Jack the Bastard

He never sat in Lester's Lap

He lived on the roof and barked at cars

He was never known to nap

His eyes were green but they never blinked

And they glowed in the dark

Jack didn't seem all that concerned

About wiener dogs in the yard

First he looked at Madam Meow

And he looked at foolish Fluffles

He looked at Lester and his tools

Lester knew he was in trouble

He swished his tail and growled a little

Then he leaped like an old bullfrog

He chased Lester into the yard

Where he surrendered to the gang of wiener dogs

Then Jack walked out of the house

Carrying two cats all sliced up

The wiener dogs they bowed their heads

And they cried like pups

Lester wanted to the thank old Jack

For preventing his miserable doom

But Jack he growled and ran to the roof

And howled all night at the moon


Wrong Side of Time

When the sun shines on the wrong side of town

The heroes ride their horses in the rain

The horses have no quarrel

Towards villains with no morals

Yet the quiver at the heroes spurs jingling sound

When the sun shines on the wrong side of town

The worms sing softly to the birds

And the women with their bruises

Polish the weapon he uses

'Cause dirt and grim will spread the disease around

When the sun shines on the wrong side of town

My enemies are praised for their crimes

And the judges and the priests

Fall down on their knees

While I lay in my blood on the ground

When the sun shines on the wrong side of town

I wake up with the light in my face

And I look across to the dark

And see children sleeping in the park

I smile while I pull the shade down